Just me talking to myself

Life, I guess has it's own ways of going on..
Everything goes pretty well and then something strikes or an incident happens which shakes you up and brings about petty changes and these are actually a disguise of a whole new life because they melt our present life and give it a fresh unwelcomed updated shape which we are bound to hold on to, no matter how much we want to leave..

I guess the rules aren't gonna change for me and here's this phase where my everything is changing and as of now it seems, it's changing for the worse to come.

The new decade, marking the beginning of my adulthood has come into my life like a thunderstorm and it has shattered it to pieces.. pieces I am unable to put back to place no matter how hard I try.

People often see other's life to be some sort of perfection goal, but little do we know about how something is; atleast not until we're dwelling in it ourselves.

I remember how I was the goal of optimism. I was always positive towards life whatever the situation may be and that kind of made my biggest strengths. I was never the type of a brainless-bimbo who would just go around mourning over any failure, instead failures were always a lesson to me  and I always made sure to get a way out of the mess with my soul quote being 'If you're considering something as your failure, it means a part of you has stopped wishing for  that particular thing!'. But I guess, it's not the same forever, huh? Here I am being a complete opposite version of myself.

Looking at myself, I often wonder is it just me being a sleep addict or is it me trying to avoid facing the new me? Sadly, I'm unable to find an answer to it..
Answers..well as of now, there's literally nothing I'm able to reason out. Everything seems to be falling apart and it's like I'm standing at the very edge watching myself dying and this..this very feeling is suffocating me.

They say If you feel stressed, talk to people more, engage yourself in something you love. Well..yeah! I believe this. But what should I do with the feeling of 'not wanting to socialize'? Okay..leaving that aside, I sat to write, but the words don't seem to be interested in the new me; I sat to draw, but again, the colours seem to be at a cold war with me, being totally uncooperative in giving me the satisfaction and serene feeling which I need. Songs, poetry, art, literature..all my hobbies have turned their backs to me as if they've been alienated. It's like Therese no way out of this lonely new world and all I can do is to think, think and overthink. My new mates have replaced my old true ones; the new one being headache though, but does it really count? It's like my life is all about burry my head in my pillow and mourning over my inability to get out of these thoughts that are disturbing and eating me alive.

I've heard, when an artist paints what he feels, it turns out to be one of his best art pieces. What actually matters here is his feelings and the same I guess goes with me, I'm unable to express myself as I'm scared to let these thoughts out and when I do my efforts shout out my helplessness; if only I could give reasons to it, if only I had someone listening to these silent screams.

I, who was once a self-lover me has changed into a person who's jealous of almost everyone around, who taunts herself for being the most imperfect person ever. I literally look for reasons to make others superior than me while I leave out the actual cause of my suffering; which is that I'm jealous of them living their "happy" lives where they're "themselves"!.

My heart sinks realising how much I've changed. It doesn't want to admit that I'm 'not fine', I need someone or something that accepts me to be myself, that can give me back my lost confidence in myself. I want that old busy me, the happy me...
These sleepless nights, however, never fail to give me a reality check that I'm not returning anytime soon. Whether I want it or not, I'm stuck in a world which isn't mine and maybe there's no way out of it.

All I keep on wishing is for my guardian angel to come soon and rescue me from here because I'm dying.. I'm dying to live my own life.

However, at the end..it's just me talking to myself in this lone new world....

''Don't you think sometimes getting away from everything and having a long break is enough to start afresh.?'

'Eh..maybe.. but if 'everything' here refers to your problems, then they'll return..even if you start afresh..so the best way to not have them is to face them rather than running away..'

'Seriously..dude?..why do you always have to be oppositely correct?..this trap's gonna last long I guess'.